I just need
by VixenLoveGirl
Summary: TW: suicide, depression (hopefully ok representation), self harm, suicidal thoughts, Rantaro Why? Why did they care, why did they say they cared? Why did he want to please them, to keep them happy when all they had ever done was destroy him? Why did they care, if they even did? Why would anyone care when he ran from them, when he ran from the world? And why, why do I feel this way?
1. All I need...

"IT WAS THREE HUNDRED PERCENT!" Another inside joke he didn't get. God, he felt like such an outsider now. He had waisted a whole year torturing himself, while they were all having fun. Should be feel bad, or guilty, for wanting to just storm away from them right then and there? Did he still have the right to even call them his friends? Did he really? After everything he had done to hurt them, he must not. "Hey guys, I think I'm gonna to home now." He said. It was odd, he didn't correct himself. He would usually say something like; "Actually, I change my mind. I am going home." But this time, there was nothing. He just left, left without even waiting for a reply. Where was his knife? He continued walking home, thinking about what would happen if he were to _die_. If he were to just, to just die, suddenly, and could watch? What would be see? Would anyone even care? Did anyone even care? He kept walking, and thinking about everything that happened. Thinking of how the people who claimed to care about him, in the end, simply _didn't_. They didn't care. Once he was at his apartment, he rushed inside, and began looking for his knife. Not one he used for cooking, no, one he used for _cutting_. Cutting his wrists. He rolled up his sleeves the moment he found the sharp object. Why was he doing this? That was what someone would ask if they found out. They would say it's okay, they would try to apologize, they would ask a bunch of questions. Well, maybe he just needed someone who _actually_ cared about him. Who didn't just say and pretend they did, while they sit by idle, when for all they knew, he was dead. He just needed someone who actually cared. He winced as the knife cut deeper than he usually let it. Physical pain was much better than emotional pain. It was actually kind of fun to watch the blood trickle down his wrist like that. He cut again, and again, and again, over and over until... until his entire lower arm was covered in deep, _very_ deep, bleeding, cuts. What if he weren't cutting his wrists? What if, what if he were allowing blood to flow from his throat instead? Would anyone kind having him gone? Or course not, no. No one cared, even if they said they did, no one cared about him. And besides, red was his favourite color. God, he he's he needed to stop this. He needed to stop cutting himself, to stop imagining what people would do if he died, to stop avoiding any help. But he couldn't, the pain felt like pain should, it hurt. Despite that, he loved it. Hurting his arms like this, it seemed to make his emotional pain disappear, even if only for a second. If he simply focused on the pain, and harming himself, in the blood trickle down all over his arms, his other pain disappeared. Being hurt physically was better than being hurt emotionally. God, if only someone had cared for this boy. If someone had cared about him, instead of simply neglecting him after his disappearance... Maybe he wouldn't have brought that knife to his wrists again and again for nights until he was caught. He just needs someone to care. Is that to much to ask?


	2. is someone

"Shu!" That voice. Valt. "What are you doing!" And Daigo. "What were you _thinking_?" Rantaro, this time._"Why?" _But it was Wakiya's that hurt the most. So simple, but so powerful. Everyone just dtood there in shock, as blood continued to trickle down his wridt, or rather, his whole arm. "I... got carried away." He said, not expecting them to really take that. "Doing what?" Valt's voice was barely hesrd throughh his sobs and tears, but it was clearly intended to be a yell. "Feeling left out." and he hesrd a beep noise, His alarm clock. So, he was finally away from this nightmare. Then he realized, this horrible thing was no nightmare. It hit him, he had set his alarm clock early today. This, this was real. "Shu..." Valt's teads continued to fall from his eyes, and he ran to him. Soon, everyone else had followed his lead. Yet, Shu could dind no reason that would convince him they really cared."Just leave. you don't care." He shoved the other off him. He knew he was being cruel, but what did you expect? He disappeared, and they sat by doing _nothing_ about it. nothing. Okay, they looked for a day, but after that? Nothing. In tye end, all they wanted was to battle him. "What do you mean! Of course I do!" He looked upset now. "If you cared, you would have done something when I disappeared for a full year!" He shouted, and then he was crying too. Crying and making apologise that weren't sincere. Everyone just looked shocked at his outburst. Not a move to calm him down, not a single question. No movement, complete silence. Nothing, nothing happened. Until Wakiya, the only one who had stayed in his place, moved closer. And hugged him. They stayed like that, all of them. Whisoering questions, and hugging him closely. Through all of it, he still couldn't believe this was genuine. It still stuck, how no one cared.


	3. To care!

p style="text-align: left;"It's been almost a week since they found out about this. About his cutting, his urge to jump of the grand freaking canyon. They weren't leaving him alone anymore, but why? emWhy?/em This made no sense. They leave him to die but once they find that he emwants /emto die, they act like they've always cared. Like they've always thought he mattered. Did they ever really care? Obviously not./p  
p style="text-align: left;" "Hey, Shu, doing any better?" He heard Rantaro's voice question him, in hopes that things had gotten better. They hadn't , but he forced a smile anyway. "Yeah, I filled cutting my wrists." He was the blonde face light up just a bit. And, Shu wasn't lying. He had stopped cutting his span style="text-decoration: underline;"wrists/span. I'm fact, he'd stopped cutting at all. However, that doesn't mean he stopped hurting himself. He had one for biting his arms instead. The marks cared and healed much quicker, but they did more damage. Or, more specifically, dealt more pain. /p  
p style="text-align: left;" "That's great to hear," His voice was bright, he actually sounded happy. No one was happy when they talked to Shu anymore. Not if they knew... /p  
p style="text-align: left;"Then, he was ripped back to reality by the voice of someone else he knew, as if Rantaro had left, but he was still there./p  
p style="text-align: left;""I don't wanna lose you."/p  
p style="text-align: left;" /p 


	4. Misconception

Shu bolted. How _dare_ he say that? He made it very clear that he didn't care if he lost him when he disappeared. The look on his face became more and more angry as her stormed down the halls to his next class. With everything going on, it was becoming more and more difficult to keep up his usual facade of just being neutral all the time, but he managed. As he reached the door of his class, his mind was clouded with thoughts of how to stop everyone from worrying about him. The lesson was a blur, all he was thinking about was stopping them from realizing that something was still very wrong. FInally, it hit him. All he had to do was _act _as if everything were okay. Just because he knew something was wrong, doesn't mean everyone had to. Hell, he had almost the whole school fooled already.

Walking out of the class, he felt the best he had in a while. He was confident that no one would notice a thing wrong with him.

Seems he's fallen under the misconception that telling yourself you're fine will make you fine.

/Ah- sorry for such a short chapter. Some stuff happened so I kinda feel out of it. Hope you enjoyed!/


	5. Happier

"Well someone seems happy." Shu nodded without thinking about it. "Mhm, I am." That was likely one of the biggest lies he'd ever told. Happy. He decided he was practically the opposite of happy right now, but keeping them happy was more important than how he felt, at least that's what he told himself.

"That's not like you, I'm glad to see you smiling." Smiling? Was he smiling? What for? His own confusion caused his expression to change into one of confusion. Finally, he spoke. "Oh, I'm sorry." He'd become so used to apologizing that it was his default.

"What fo-"

"Nothing." He headed off for the rooftop where the Bey club met, forgetting that Wakiya was part of that too and would be following him. "Are you trying to ignore me?" Shu bit his lip. _Fuck you irritability and self-hate._ He shouted at himself.

Today was going to be a long and terrible day.


End file.
